The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Couples therapy rising
I'll be honest: I'm having kind of a hard time following all of the reasons that Kyle is getting angry and crying at various dinner tables at the end of every episode this season.
Two weeks ago it was that Dorit had worn too much makeup to a workout retreat, which I think represented that no one in the group is ever honest except for Kyle. And this week it was that everyone in the group was being too honest by telling Kyle that they thought she and Teddi had gone to couples therapy together because they had…gone to a therapist as a couple. And I'm positive that last week's dinner fight was over Kyle accusing Denise of wearing more makeup this year than she did last year, and having an ice sculpture at her party…
But I'm just still a little unclear on why any of this matters to Kyle. All the reasons she's picking fights, and then feeling attacked as a result of the pushback, seem so very…small. It's mostly a lot of yelling about makeup application and diction discrepancies. Of course, small grievances — when run through the Real Housewives-to-English google translator — could always wind up representing a much larger grievance that stands to rip apart the very fabric of the franchise. And the vibe I'm getting from Kyle's continued annoyance with all of her alleged friends is that after "standing! up! for! what's! right!" last season (words hers, emphasis mine), Kyle was expecting a little more deference to her moral superiority this time around.
That's my best guess as to why Kyle is suddenly equating honesty with agreeing with her, and dishonesty with disagreeing with her. Of course, I'm just your average, run-of-the-mill Housewives historian — I'm no Shawn.
Because despite this RHOBH hour ultimately boiling down to yet another fight about a minute wording detail, this episode was all about hot astrologer Shawn sweetly reading our ladies for starry filth.
But first, Garcelle meets up with women who she has no qualms about telling us are her actual "core group of friends." One of them is Will Smith's ex-wife and they're all gorgeous and seem to be involved in Hollywood in some way or another — oh and did I mention? All of Garcelle's core friends are black. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills hasn't seen this much melanin since…absolutely ever. I think Garcelle may have been planting the seeds for a spin-off because they keep talking about things that friends would have surely covered before (like the fact that Garcelle dated Will Smith before her friend married him), but I don't care if it's blatant; my DVR has already been set to record the spin-off.
Rinna talks to Harry Hamlin about Amelia's mental health, Kyle talks about Denise being disingenuous because she wears flip-flops but doesn't remain calm every second of the day, Erika learns choreography for Chicago…
But really, the only scene worth mentioning pre-Erika's-dinner-party is Dorit's entrepreneurial endeavors with Buca di Beppo — because this whole thing just really is too good to be true.
To set the stage: Dorit pulls up to an Italian chain restaurant, parks her Lamborghini — I'm not kidding — on the sidewalk, and heads inside for a business meeting. And just as she's about to get down to brass tacks, PK comes in, fresh from a flight home from London, and she melts into a puddle of "baybees" and "buuuuhbaaaahs." The owner of Bucca di Bepo, Robert Earl, is apparently one of PK's oldest friends, which is what makes it just so delicious that his willingness to get into business with PK and Dorit extends to allowing Dorit to decorate one room in one restaurant of his chain. Additionally, he tells PK that he looks swollen, tells Dorit that so far he'd grade her commitment to the project a 3-out-of-10, and ends the meeting by saying, "I know this might sound crazy to both of you, but this is a business."
Long live Robert Earl, a family-style king who is likely about to go bankrupt from handing over one room in one of his 88 restaurants to the Kemsleys (who, in their joint testimonial, appear to have recently stolen 101 Dalmatian puppies).
Most of the episode centers on Erika's dinner party, where she's invited her astrologer friend Shawn to give the ladies a chart reading, which I found extremely fun. I don't have to know anything about astrology to enjoy hearing these women get told about themselves. Erika also invites Mr. Girardi to join them for a drink at the top of the night, but about the time Rinna, Erika, and Garcelle realize they're all wearing matching double-breasted pink blazer dresses, and start screaming at the top of their lungs, he may have begun regretting accepting the invitation. Still, Tom charms everyone with tales of being friends with "Pat" Wayne — and scolded by his father, John Wayne — in high school, and then Erika escorts him out so that everyone could truly wild out.
Shawn the astrologer arrives, and he seems so sweet and well-intentioned, he really just does not deserve any of what's coming his way. (Luckily, Erika remains quick on the exit escorts all night.)
As always, hats off to the editors for accompanying every astrological reading with the perfect flashback clip for evidentiary support. Kyle is a Capricorn with Libra moon and Leo rising, so she gets most worked up when someone is being treated unfairly; cue Kyle standing up for Sutton last week. Denise has the most complicated chart, Shawn says, because she's open and loving, but also keeps a side of herself hidden and values trust above all, so if anyone breaks her trust, she might calculate against them; cue Kyle coming for Denise last week and Denise turning it all the way up on her and honestly — I think it would be wise of Kyle to be scared of Denise turning against her judging by Denise's ever-increasing eyebrow-raises in Kyle's direction.
But the trouble really comes when Shawn reads Teddi's chart, and her Cancer sign, Cancer moon, and Taurus rising mean that she "feels safety with a real, deep connection, so in a group like this, Teddi would gravitate toward the one energy she feels most comfortable with," Shawn says. "That explains things!" Kyle cries out, saying that now everyone can't be upset about why she and Teddi are so close.
Everyone explains in return that no one is upset about it, but they don't know why Kyle is so resistant to admit that she treats Teddi differently. In her confessional, Dorit says, "If Kyle would just admit that there are certain rules that apply to Teddi that don't apply to the rest of the girls in the group, there would be no issue." But Garcelle really hits the nail on the head when she says that Kyle just wants to be liked by everybody. But by refusing to admit to favorites, she's actually alienating everyone instead. Rather than expressing any of that, Dorit just goes: "Didn't you guys go to couples therapy together?"
And Kyle loses it, acting like that accusation — let alone the act of two friends going to therapy together, which seems totally fine — is the most ludicrous thing she's ever heard. The other women explain that they thought the same thing since Kyle and Teddi both saw a therapist together to talk about anxiety. Teddi is practically silent for this entire evening, but Kyle cannot stop dramatically laughing at this simply preposterous idea. She bellows at Shawn to tell her "what kind of sign does this s---." Given that Shawn likely doesn't have an astrological diagnosis for what type of sign thinks their two friends went to couples therapy together, he gives some more general advice: "Whenever you're having an issue with someone like what you're experiencing right now, it's best to figure out what the other person needs in order to feel better."
This is when Sutton chimes in out of the blue to say that she's still upset with Dorit for airing her out in front of Rinna after quietly freaking out at Rinna's daughter's events. Sutton expresses that anger by saying, "I will say zip it to you because you need to listen to me for two seconds," and then starts screaming. Erika, with that especially icy tone of hers, reminds Sutton that she is a guest in her home, and tells Shawn that he's allowed to leave now so that they can all start swallowing each other whole like snakes.
Sutton says that she doesn't feel like some of the women care to really get to know her, and Garcelle pops in to agree. But just as Kyle is nodding her head along sanctimoniously, Garcelle points to Kyle and says, "I feel like I talk to you all the time, and you just blaze right over me." Garcelle elaborates to the camera, saying that she's starting to think Kyle is all surface: "It's like, 'I love your bag,' but when it comes down to it, she doesn't really care enough to want to know anything."
Kyle counters back with some general compliments about adoring Garcelle, and Dorit drawls back, "So why do you glaze over her then?"
There is something about Dorit's calmness in the eye of a storm that I just can't help but admire, even with the memory of her cooing at PK a few scenes ago still haunting my thoughts. Kyle, however, is less impressed, biting back, "Shut up, you f---king a--hole!" And there's just no way anyone could believe that Kyle isn't worked up over something bigger than being accused of going to couples therapy with Teddi, which she starts talking about again. So Garcelle finally just explodes and says it's time to go while, I kid you not, Kyle starts talking about how she's "the only one being f---king honest" again…
But Garcelle, Rinna, and Denise are happy to be honest once they're safely inside a car and can talk as much s--- about Kyle as they want. "Not that I need to be validated by Kyle, but I just feel like I've said things and she hasn't even replied," Garcelle tells them. "And, what she was wearing tonight was hideous."
What's most hideous though, is what Kyle says to Erika once they're down to a smaller group. Erika has been defending Kyle all season, saying she's just overwhelmed right now, but now Kyle's erratic accusations are being turned on her. Kyle is still droning on about couples therapy, and Erika says that's just one component of this larger idea that she and Teddi are a package deal.
"You and I are better friends than that, that's not cool!" Kyle whines back, getting emotional. Confused, Erika says she's just being honest, like Kyle has been begging them to be in between every single course at every single meal they've had for the last month. Erika tells Kyle that she's been honest with her about thinking her relationship with Teddi is different than everyone else's, and Kyle snaps: "Why is that weird? Because you don’t have any good friends?"
And my entire throat closed up. It's already clear that Erika isn't going to give Kyle the full "don't you ever call me a liar" treatment because thunder didn't suddenly start rumbling outside the dining room or anything. Nonetheless…Kyle has really stepped in it now.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills